Brace Yourself, Chocola

by Jer

I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected. - Unknown

Remember the age of gaudy orthodontic braces? You know, back when they were more like cyborg implants and less like the transparent composite stuff you see today? When I was in elementary school, it seemed like everybody had braces. It was as if some home-room epidemic had afflicted all of my peers. And it didn't matter who you were, because braces transcended all of our pre-pubescent differences. It didn't discriminate between the cool kids and the dweebs, the boys and the girls, the teacher's pets and the detention bound. Everyone seemed to fall victim to bad teeth. All... except me.

As a kid, it's easy to put the negative out of your mind and focus on the positive. Perhaps that's why I wanted a chrome plated mouth too. Who wouldn't like to be allowed to skip class every couple of weeks for an adjustment appointment? No drawback there. Plus there was a lot of urban myth surrounding braces. Would I really get a shock from a 9-volt battery? What would happen if I kissed a girl who had braces too? And what's with that wax? I had an inquiring mind and I wanted to know.

Somewhere in the back of my mind, a little voice was screaming, "Be careful what you wish for!" Nobody told me I was supposed to listen to it.

As it turned out, I had braces from the fifth grade until my freshman year in high school. They were supposed to be out by 7th grade. During that time I had to deal with a sore jaw, bloody gums, sharp wires, stupid comments (e.g. hey railroad tracks!), and an orthodontist who was, quite frankly, a prick. Aside from the mullet I sported as a teen, I don't think I have ever been so wrong about something.

In addition to the realization that a 9-volt battery in contact with braces does hurt, what did I learn from the whole miserable experience? Sometimes a fulfilled wish and a huge regret go hand-and-hand.

Fast forward 23 years to 2004 and abruptly shift gears to politics. Class was again in session for that same ol' lesson. It was an election year and I should have been more careful, because I made some regrettable wishes on my ballot that November.

I wished for the big giant Bush (R). Wish came true. I now regret it.

I wished for Indiana Gov. Mitch Daniels (R). Wish came true. I now regret it.

I wished for US Congressman Chris Chocola (R). Wish came true and according to a TV ad by moveon.org, I should regret it as well.

Moveon.org is a political action group; a political action group seemingly less concerned with partisanship and more concerned with corruption in the nation's capital. Their current TV ad campaign is directed at republican members of the House, but don't think democrats haven't found themselves in the Moveon cross-hairs. The group's inaugural initiative was a petition campaign to "Censure President Clinton and Move On to Pressing Issues Facing the Nation."

The folks at Moveon.org claim energy companies have Rep. Chris Chocola in their back pocket. According to their TV ad and website, the congressman has accepted $82,750 in campaign contributions from "Energy & Natural Resources" political action committees. That, in and of itself, isn't too surprising. A quick skim of Indiana's PAC Guide reveals that there are a several energy groups who are active in the state's political process.

What may or may not be surprising - again according to Moveon.org's website - is Rep. Chocola's voting record on energy and oil related measures clearly favors his contributors more than his constituents. They cite at least three different instances where he has voted against a measure that would have protected the consumer at the pump and at least one instance where he has voted in favor of a measure that would lead to the use of tax money "to pay new refineries for the coast of significant delays due to lawsuits and government regulations."

It should also be noted that Chocola, along with three others, are the only representatives in the House, out of 435, to be singled-out in this TV campaign.

It also doesn't help Mr. Chocola's cause that he's buddy-buddy with a President whose approval rating is floating around the 30s. Air Force One, to the best of my recallection, has landed at South Bend Regional Airport at least three times during the Bush administration. The last time it landed, back in February 2006, George and Chris stepped off the plane together, practically holding hands.

By the way, G-Dub was in town for a Chocola fund raiser at Bethel College that day. How much ya wanna bet some reps from the energy folks were there?

Taking this all into consideration, none if it exactly inspires me to stand-up and shout with pride, "Hey, that's my man Chris!" Nor does it inspire me to vote for him again this fall. In truth, it further solidifies my decision to vote against him.

So...

I spent the 1980s wishing I had braces and then wishing I hadn't.

I spent the 1990s wishing the Democrat's would lose the House and the Senate and then wishing they hadn't.

I think I'll spend what's left of the 2000s wishing for an aspirin for the headache all this wishing is giving me.